On the fence, once again

Upon waking up one morning, strangely enough, an overwhelming urge to go to friendster.com and check out Pam's pictures.

Why you ask me? I honestly do not know what was going on with me...

I just wanted to be with her again, wanted her back. All this strange emotions just came back to me. I guess that's what happens when you have to suppress your feelings for someone that you can't be with.

Although, my mind, thankfully its still there, plays the devil's advocate and is telling me I could be just feeling this way because I'm just lonely and don't have anyone to be with. Coincidentally, this post comes right after me ranting about I couldn't be with Sam.

Then I get flooded with good memories being with Pam and thought to myself that, why should I be looking else where she kinda is perfect for me? The only thing that stops me being with her is because she's not Chinese and it's really really unfair if that's the only reason.

Again, my damn brain kicks in and says that I might be able to meet somebody better (and who's Chinese). But do I want somebody better? Would there be potentially another "Pam" but who's Chinese? But from dating around with some girls this year, I just couldn't find that person who can fill her shoes at the moment. But then again, I could fall into that hole of regret again, similar to Sam and might never have that chance to be with her again ever (see below).

But am I thinking too much into it? Who could blame me though, last year I was again in this situation, but decided to not be with her because of my parents. And now, as if nothing happend and I'm once again reconsidering it, but the difference this time after I reconsider it, I should prepare myself to talk to my mom about it face to face and tell her that this is my decision and let me ride it out. Here's hoping that she'll reason to my somewhat logical reasoning. This time, everything has to be clear and concise, I wouldn't want to break her heart for the 3rd time.

It's so weird that I'm so damn attracted to her, maybe that's a sign for me to pick up on? Along with that big hurdle, namely my parents, I still want to try to be with her.

I honestly don't know, but I sure do hope I get my answers soon.