The Monotonus tone of my life

Day in day out, everything is starting to feel the same now a days. Especially when meeting the opposite sex. Heres how a typical situation will play out:

• Ask for number
• Shoot a text the next day (hope to God the replies are good)
• Ask her out on the weekend (hope to God she says yes)
  
• ???
• Profit!

Well not really profit on anything, and usually the part where ???s are is that they give an excuse that they can't make it, or just outright stops replying to any of my texts.

I try to find out why does this happen often? I know my weight is one of the problems and I'm currently working on that, but asides that, I don't know what the problem is. This bad streak has been going on for quite sometime now, and I'm honestly losing my optimism.

I guess what struck me to write such a depressing post again is because obviously I met a girl. I thought things were going ok when she was reply to my texts and all and this prompted that I might have a good chance of getting to go out with her, since everything was turning out ok.

Unfortunately, she was unavailable for the weekend, so ok I just try to text her a couple of more times just to see if I can keep things up. Unfortunately again, she stops replying to some of my texts. It kinda bums me out that these things tend to repeat itself out. Sad part was that, I was really getting into her and everything. Physically she was very attractive also she was really easy to talk to. On top of that I tried my best to keep my optimism at bay during the week I was going to ask her out, but everything just crashed down afterwards.

Am I being too pessamistic to everything? Should I be trying again to establish some sort of contact? I think I'll try one more time and if her replies are cold or decides not to reply or anything. Soldiering on will be the recommended action to take. Ugh and having our pictures together on Facebook doesn't help either.

I honestly hate this feeling of being lonely + self esteem is really low. Not the best of combinations to have as your emotions.

This sucky feeling

It's pretty strange that I've been getting these feelings of loneliness, ironically, it all started after my trip to Japan last week. That's the thing when I travel with my folks is that majority I keep to myself and let my mind wonder, and because of it's senseless wondering, I end up feeling like this. But not the typical loneliness that I don't have friends and whatnot (I'm blessed to have such good friends around to be honest), but it's that loneliness that someone that who's more than a friend to me that can fill that void in my life.

Listen to me rant like a high school girl, it's getting borderline pathetic already for me just to entertain this fact, but I can't help it. Anytime that I'm idle or not doing anything, it hits me like a big wave and keeps nagging me that I'm alone and I can't do anything about it.

I've been introduced to some girls already, but unfortunately, my luck has been really crappy recently. And in some days, I think of Sam again, but I promised myself to quit it already and I'm trying really hard to do so.

I know this is just a phase, like any of my emotional qualms and isms, but here's hoping that I can overcome this crappy phase asap.

Got to get my head out of the curb and try to be more optimistic, just wish I can see some signs of that in the coming months.

Blogging from Kansas

I waiting right now for our flight to San Francisco and our last leg of our journey. Honestly I'm tired already from eating large portioned american food. Coincidentaly, with free wifi in our hotel rooms, I was able to chat alot with Pam and was able to sort out our "semi" obscure breakup.

I guess with the all the anger and pride out of the way I was able to open up and tell her why I really broke up with her. Thankfully, she also realized it back and agreed with me. Now that all this is sorted out, she asked me a "what now" (via email this time) question. I just replied and said that, I needed some time apart first since we both don't want to rush in back blindly. I didn't want to hurt her again and stuff and I really don't want to bring her to tears again.

I guess I need to meet new people again, I mean worse comes to worse if we both end up eing single again for a long time, the bridges are still up and maybe we can get back together again. I'm really glad though she's improving herself and realized the faults she had in the relationship. I hope this is a permanent change, since she tends to do a 180 on her decisions. But I'll root for her silently and hopefully she grows more as a person. Hopefully if we get back together, it will be more solid this time, but for now, I'll leave things to destiny for a change.

Vicious cycle

So my buddies of mine, tried to set me up with one of their female friends. Heh didn't really work out as they intended to.

I kinda was a bit off that night, didn't really have my game on and lack some confidence for some reason, and I guess I wasn't really able to hit it off with her and what really place me off was, when I asked for her number, she told me just to get it from my buddy. I didn't know if she was rushing to get home or whatever. Then I decided to shoot her a text this evening after work, heh no reply. So I guess that's that.

I really don't mind meeting new people, although getting shot down like this doesn't really help my self esteem either. Was hoping that this year would treat me better when it comes to women, although it is still the first quarter, I'm just hoping that compared to last year, this will be better.

With last year's piss poor performance, I think I tried to date a handful of girls but none of them worked, until after hooking up with Pam again, but obviously that didn't work out well either. It's just really hard to get your confidence back and try to get up on that horse again.

Although, from this very "emo-centric" post, comes a little bit of ray of hope, although I wouldn't dismiss it as a really good thing yet.

I've been keeping in touch with the office mate that I mentioned from my last post. We've been really texting each other a lot, and surprisingly, that night when I was being setup, she texted out of the blue. Quite surprisingly really, but I don't know. I really want to get to know her because we seem to have a good connection. But, there's that thing of her being our employee and I am the son of the owner.

Not meaning to discriminate or anything but, am I over complicating the whole matter? I've been thinking things through that in the event that we really get together and stuff and what if we broke up? There could be some problems right there and she might want to leave the company because of me and we lose a good person for the company.

I know it's weird to think like that, but I can't help it, especially in my position. It's really hard to just rush in and leave it to fate or whatever.

I hate where I am right now, and this whole situation isn't really helping

Let's end this chapter

Finally realizing how much a waste of a time it was for me to mull over Sam. I mean let's just check with reality for a moment: she's been with her bf for quite some time now (about 3 years?). The bf is really successful and runs their own family business (heh while I'm just the IT guy). As painful to admit it, they look very happy together (curse you facebook).

This realization struck me this morning when I was checking facebook to see that Sam changed her profile pic that included her bf.

Honestly, having to let go like this makes me feel more free with my emotions. I guess I was just freaking tired with having to hope onto nothing and just finally have to say "oh what the hell..." to the whole situation.

So yeah I guess this is one step for to progress of letting go on to this one ms. Samantha Hontiveros, and finally hang up my fishing pole and pen this one up as another "the one that got away"

Dear lord, please please don't make me have to go through one of this again in the near future.

Facebook @ Work

Not to mislead with the title, but I just added one of my co-workers (who I seem to be attracted to) on Facebook (was able to snatch her YM ID also in the process hehe).

But I don't know, I feel like I'm threading on thin ice here, since I'm really the son of the owner of the company and I think it's just taboo to try to date one of your employees? Right?

Good lord, I seem to always find myself in the stickiest situations when it comes to women. But I can't help myself when she's in the office, she has this unmistakenly charm, that I seem to be a big sucker for.

At first I thought she might find it weird that I would find her on Facebook, but thankfully after adding her, she sent me a message and seems that it wasn't awkward at all! We were able to chat for quite abit until I had to do some actual work.

The next progression to that is to asking her out, but I'm racking my brain on how to pull it off (not to say that I don't have experience on asking girls out), but the situation that just revolves around everything! Heh guess I'm just too afraid and embarassed on what will my folks think of me this time, especially my dad...

But she seems to be a sweet girl, albiet conservative maybe? And seems to be really smart, since her credentials speaks volumes about her achievements (cum laude, scholar in UP - LB, knows a bit of mandarin!) So yeah like Jomark mentioned to me this morning "hands off" she's helluva better than I am ( in terms of academics). Oh and also, I don't think she's Chinese (again with this nagging issue), but she awfully looks like one if you ask me!

I don't know, am I overthinking things? I mean this is just one of the first steps to a million of steps, and here I am, racking my brains out on the future. But I can't help it, if I want to at least give some effort to this, I guess I need to be jumping across canyons again. Take some risks, but can't seem to shake off on what my dad is really going to say about the whole bit, so I'm really really hessitating here.

Ohhhh boy...

I hate spies

Since spies usually kill by backstabbing you from behind... (and I really do hate them in-game btw)

What a way to shake up my day and coincidentally, me blogging about how and why I broke up with Pam. Strangely enough she's been getting the "real" reasons on why we broke up from a "reliable" source. Clearly she was very pissed about this and had to text me, I tried to let it be and just let it pass since, to be quite frank, I don't really gain anything from it (despite losing a good friend ;__; which I've prepared to accept)

Luckily, she tried to open up and asked for my side of the story, obvious thing to ask is what started this and what she heard. Apparently from the way she talked about her source, it was pretty obvious who tried to feed her something to cause this ruckus. I tried to explain my side of things and told her everything was a misinterpretation by her source. I also cautioned her that this asshole might have a "hidden agenda" so that's why he's causing all this nonsense. Apparently she slightly suspected it too, since the creep has been telling Pam some negative things in relation to me.

L fucking O L You think you know a person, but unfortunately you don't. TO think I gave Benzie rides to the airsoft site during our gamedays. Heh that's why I don't see him online anymore, that fucker better hide from me...

Sipping a cold smoothie alone

I always wanted to start blogging again but found myself either too tired or too lazy to do so when I got home. So now that I have about 30 mins to burn, I might as well.

So like the title says, yes I'm back to being single again. Long story short on what happend with me and Pam: I was finally able to clear things up with my folks for us to be together, unfortunately with that out of the way I guess I was able to see who the real her was and without anything holding me back or anything to doubt on.

Too bad it didn't work out, but at least I can safely get those "what if's" finally out of the way. Speaking of "what if's", well you know the drill, still can't shake the fact about Sam, now that I'm single again. And having her in my facebook doesn't help either. I was ranting the other day that I didn't need to see her photos with her boyfriend on my feed. Heh a really bitter pill for me to swallow, I'm sorry. I guess morally, I just have to be happy for her since she's been with the same guy for quite sometime now. I just wish they can just get married and shred whatever hope that I cling to and so I can fucking move on with my pathetic aspirations. Cruel, yet effective, but I'd take effective any day...

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