Upon waking up one morning, strangely enough, an overwhelming urge to go to friendster.com and check out Pam's pictures.
Why you ask me? I honestly do not know what was going on with me...
I just wanted to be with her again, wanted her back. All this strange emotions just came back to me. I guess that's what happens when you have to suppress your feelings for someone that you can't be with.
Although, my mind, thankfully its still there, plays the devil's advocate and is telling me I could be just feeling this way because I'm just lonely and don't have anyone to be with. Coincidentally, this post comes right after me ranting about I couldn't be with Sam.
Then I get flooded with good memories being with Pam and thought to myself that, why should I be looking else where she kinda is perfect for me? The only thing that stops me being with her is because she's not Chinese and it's really really unfair if that's the only reason.
Again, my damn brain kicks in and says that I might be able to meet somebody better (and who's Chinese). But do I want somebody better? Would there be potentially another "Pam" but who's Chinese? But from dating around with some girls this year, I just couldn't find that person who can fill her shoes at the moment. But then again, I could fall into that hole of regret again, similar to Sam and might never have that chance to be with her again ever (see below).
But am I thinking too much into it? Who could blame me though, last year I was again in this situation, but decided to not be with her because of my parents. And now, as if nothing happend and I'm once again reconsidering it, but the difference this time after I reconsider it, I should prepare myself to talk to my mom about it face to face and tell her that this is my decision and let me ride it out. Here's hoping that she'll reason to my somewhat logical reasoning. This time, everything has to be clear and concise, I wouldn't want to break her heart for the 3rd time.
It's so weird that I'm so damn attracted to her, maybe that's a sign for me to pick up on? Along with that big hurdle, namely my parents, I still want to try to be with her.
I honestly don't know, but I sure do hope I get my answers soon.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The one that got away (again)
As most things in life, I regret doing a lot of things. Regretting that bad buy, not listening to my parents / friends advise or just did something regrettably stupid.
So let me say that last part again: regrettably stupid....
For some strange reason Sam has been entering my mind back and forth again. I mean there are times really that I though I have gotten over her, but then again, I just get hit back pretty hard.
Strangely enough, I haven't been in contact with her for almost a year, tried sending her some texts, but she never gets to reply to them. Here's hoping that shes just too busy to reply. The last time I was with her was almost about a year ago when we had our 25th year celebration of one of products that we were distributing here in our company. Surprisingly, she agreed to come to our event that night and I still couldn't forget about it. Sitting together and just laughing and teasing each other like we usually do when we're together. I really wished for that moment not to end, yes yes cheesy I know, but seriously, that's what I was thinking the whole freaking night. Then reality sets in and her boyfriend had to pick her up since they had other plans also that night.
After walking her out the door, and going back in, I felt like a total ass for having that perfect moment with her. Once I found my seat, I sat back down and started pounding on the red wine to try to somehow wash away that bitter feeling inside me.
So after that, I was never able to talk to or see her again. I just wished sometimes that things could have been different. But that's really selfish of me also. So I guess if she's happy with the person she is with now, all the best to them. Heh, I even joked about if when they're getting married, and she gave me that awkward smile and laughed nervously and said "matagal pa noh". Somehow, I guess she knows how I feel about her and just tried to lay it to me easily. If they end up together, then I guess that's the grand scheme of things right?
I just wish when that time comes, I learn to accept it while lubricating it with some sort of alcoholic drink.
So let me say that last part again: regrettably stupid....
For some strange reason Sam has been entering my mind back and forth again. I mean there are times really that I though I have gotten over her, but then again, I just get hit back pretty hard.
Strangely enough, I haven't been in contact with her for almost a year, tried sending her some texts, but she never gets to reply to them. Here's hoping that shes just too busy to reply. The last time I was with her was almost about a year ago when we had our 25th year celebration of one of products that we were distributing here in our company. Surprisingly, she agreed to come to our event that night and I still couldn't forget about it. Sitting together and just laughing and teasing each other like we usually do when we're together. I really wished for that moment not to end, yes yes cheesy I know, but seriously, that's what I was thinking the whole freaking night. Then reality sets in and her boyfriend had to pick her up since they had other plans also that night.
After walking her out the door, and going back in, I felt like a total ass for having that perfect moment with her. Once I found my seat, I sat back down and started pounding on the red wine to try to somehow wash away that bitter feeling inside me.
So after that, I was never able to talk to or see her again. I just wished sometimes that things could have been different. But that's really selfish of me also. So I guess if she's happy with the person she is with now, all the best to them. Heh, I even joked about if when they're getting married, and she gave me that awkward smile and laughed nervously and said "matagal pa noh". Somehow, I guess she knows how I feel about her and just tried to lay it to me easily. If they end up together, then I guess that's the grand scheme of things right?
I just wish when that time comes, I learn to accept it while lubricating it with some sort of alcoholic drink.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Gasp! Ranting about being single
I've been looking back, recollecting and thinking about how come I still haven't met that right girl yet. This year hasn't been really a good year for relationships for me. I tried asking a couple of girls out with much fail, and finally after thinking all is lost, she gave me hope but then took it away (see Zada in the last few posts).
I don't know why all these thoughts are coming into my mind lately. It must have been when I saw Marian the other day in this Citibank event that my mom lugged me into. Bitter bitter truth: she was still kinda cold to me (maybe a bit frosty even) and for some unexplainable reason, that left me really depressed and silly after.
Right now I'm involved with someone but just for the fun of it. Kinda felt bad at first since I'm not used to that kind of setup, but it kinda works itself out when I'm really feeling terribly lonely. I know this is temporary, and might have to end it before the year ends or whenever, still deciding on that part.
I guess pretending not to be lonely is making me even lonelier, seeing all my friends being in couples, kinda makes me crave for being in that serious relationship again, heh even though I know how much of a headache it is at times. Someone to bring home to the folks to and introduce them to. Having to know that I won't grow old and die a lonely man. Melloncholic, I know, but to be honest, this is all the feelings I'm having right now. From experience, I know this is a phase, so let me have my god damn moment for tonight...
I don't know why all these thoughts are coming into my mind lately. It must have been when I saw Marian the other day in this Citibank event that my mom lugged me into. Bitter bitter truth: she was still kinda cold to me (maybe a bit frosty even) and for some unexplainable reason, that left me really depressed and silly after.
Right now I'm involved with someone but just for the fun of it. Kinda felt bad at first since I'm not used to that kind of setup, but it kinda works itself out when I'm really feeling terribly lonely. I know this is temporary, and might have to end it before the year ends or whenever, still deciding on that part.
I guess pretending not to be lonely is making me even lonelier, seeing all my friends being in couples, kinda makes me crave for being in that serious relationship again, heh even though I know how much of a headache it is at times. Someone to bring home to the folks to and introduce them to. Having to know that I won't grow old and die a lonely man. Melloncholic, I know, but to be honest, this is all the feelings I'm having right now. From experience, I know this is a phase, so let me have my god damn moment for tonight...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
What do I really want now?
Me and the guys (including their respective partners) took a day trip to Tagaytay to play some bowling in Highlands and had a classy dinner at Discovery's restaurant also up there in the mountains. It was a real good way to spend the weekend with my friends as compared to hanging out in some club is starting to become really repetitive.
Anyways, I also asked Pam to come and tag along (yes yes, let me explain). She was really feeling low for the past few days because of a mixture of work and this new guy she was seeing. To be honest, kinda feels weird every time she shares that part with me, but hey, just trying to be a good friend to her also. So to cheer her up and to at least try to get her to have some fun, though of asking her out to go with up with us to Tagaytay. She seemed to have fun so I guess it was "mission accomplished".
But, ugh... during the whole trip I wanted to be close to her and hold her hand and everything. Kinda missed what we had before and it kinda kicked in when I started to really laugh loud when we were making jokes and stuff. Even texted her those thoughts right after I dropped her home. Confusing confusing, I know, but she brought me down to reality and said that I didn't want it and theres no more going back to that. Painful, but defeintely true. Sometimes I try to think if it was the right decision to do? Was I being an idiot for letting her go because my folks didn't approve of her? I guess I'll never know, but I'm just wishing that I can find someone who I can be with in a relationship and also could be a really good friend. Someone to just laugh out loud with and not worrying on being me all the time.
So the weekend is over, heres hoping that the drama this week will be toned down a bit...
Anyways, I also asked Pam to come and tag along (yes yes, let me explain). She was really feeling low for the past few days because of a mixture of work and this new guy she was seeing. To be honest, kinda feels weird every time she shares that part with me, but hey, just trying to be a good friend to her also. So to cheer her up and to at least try to get her to have some fun, though of asking her out to go with up with us to Tagaytay. She seemed to have fun so I guess it was "mission accomplished".
But, ugh... during the whole trip I wanted to be close to her and hold her hand and everything. Kinda missed what we had before and it kinda kicked in when I started to really laugh loud when we were making jokes and stuff. Even texted her those thoughts right after I dropped her home. Confusing confusing, I know, but she brought me down to reality and said that I didn't want it and theres no more going back to that. Painful, but defeintely true. Sometimes I try to think if it was the right decision to do? Was I being an idiot for letting her go because my folks didn't approve of her? I guess I'll never know, but I'm just wishing that I can find someone who I can be with in a relationship and also could be a really good friend. Someone to just laugh out loud with and not worrying on being me all the time.
So the weekend is over, heres hoping that the drama this week will be toned down a bit...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Dusting off this old blog of mine
I decided to go back to writing on this blog again after more than 2 years now. According to blogger, I haven't updated this blog since February of 2006, wow 2006 huh? Is it been that long? I see that the good people of Google owns blogger.com now and after a quick migration to my own gmail account, I'm back to writing on this spot again.
I think I'll leave my personal stuff on this blog and all my gaming and other funny stuff on my other blog, kinda don't want people I know, knowing too much about me. Heh, call me paranoid, but there's just some things I need to vent and unfamiliar eyes have no business peering into. So consider yourself lucky if I decide to show you this blog in the future.
Anyways, just a quick update of significant events that have happened to me in the past 2 years: (comments will follow below)
Pam also was a real shocker, didn't expect that to happen also at all. TOO fucking bad the problem was on my side this time, growing up in a Chinese background proved to be a real problem if you want to be with someone who isn't in the same cultural circle as you are. Crazy pressure from the folks and I was really feeling it too. Although I must say, those months that we've been together was really nice, too bad it had to end too soon.
As being a long time gamer shooting all those pixilated guns and all, I decided to level up my experience (hur hur look what I did there?) by immersing myself in the world of Airsoft. Running around and dressing up as soldiers and shooting your buddies with plastic pellets is really fun and a good workout too. It's providing me with a good distraction on those date-less weekends and my pursuit to find anothersucker mate to accept me for who I am with all my abnormalities and what not.
Oh and that girl who I dated, Zada (yes yes unique name but she's a nice girl), after 4 months of dating I ran into a brick wall and she told me that we're better of as friends and nothing else. Of course I thought otherwise since that same week I was going to open the flood-gates and tell her how I really felt, then she jumped the shark on me and there was nothing else I could do but just nod and walk away.
So that's my life so far, I think venting out like this is really healthy. I mean who better else to rant to than a blog (emo ftw)
I think I'll leave my personal stuff on this blog and all my gaming and other funny stuff on my other blog, kinda don't want people I know, knowing too much about me. Heh, call me paranoid, but there's just some things I need to vent and unfamiliar eyes have no business peering into. So consider yourself lucky if I decide to show you this blog in the future.
Anyways, just a quick update of significant events that have happened to me in the past 2 years: (comments will follow below)
- Started working for the family Business
- Broke up with Marian
- Got into a relationship with Pam, but unfortunately had to break up with her after a few months due to "cultural" differences
- Started getting into Airsoft
- Tried dating someone for 4 months and then she told me that she wasn't feeling any sparks at all ;__;
Pam also was a real shocker, didn't expect that to happen also at all. TOO fucking bad the problem was on my side this time, growing up in a Chinese background proved to be a real problem if you want to be with someone who isn't in the same cultural circle as you are. Crazy pressure from the folks and I was really feeling it too. Although I must say, those months that we've been together was really nice, too bad it had to end too soon.
As being a long time gamer shooting all those pixilated guns and all, I decided to level up my experience (hur hur look what I did there?) by immersing myself in the world of Airsoft. Running around and dressing up as soldiers and shooting your buddies with plastic pellets is really fun and a good workout too. It's providing me with a good distraction on those date-less weekends and my pursuit to find another
Oh and that girl who I dated, Zada (yes yes unique name but she's a nice girl), after 4 months of dating I ran into a brick wall and she told me that we're better of as friends and nothing else. Of course I thought otherwise since that same week I was going to open the flood-gates and tell her how I really felt, then she jumped the shark on me and there was nothing else I could do but just nod and walk away.
So that's my life so far, I think venting out like this is really healthy. I mean who better else to rant to than a blog (emo ftw)
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