Another Year has passed

Yes I'm back from thailand if you are wondering where I'm typing my blog from. I was going to go to a net cafe over there in Thailand, but felt lazy to go find me one. So, here I am back home staring at my beloved monitor, writting my blog.

So it's new years eve and kinda makes me think on how time can slip away from you so quickly. My relatives will be cramming the house in a few hours and I don't know what me and my cousins will do after dinner. Not sure if I'm going to hook up with the boys tonite, because I think my folks won't allow me to spend new years without the family. Anyways, lets just see what happends, not really too hyped up for new years eve like before when I was a kid. I'm not really in my writting mood now so I guess I'll just have to end my new years blog post here. HAPPY NEW year to everyone, let's see what 2003 brings...

Leaving for Thailand II

I think this is becoming a regular thing, I'll be leaving for thailand again tomorrow. Like last year, we will be spending Christmas over there, because we are to fancy to spend christmas here in the Philippines hehehe jk! But seriously, I wouldn't know why my folks want to spend Christmas there. I guess like my mom said, my dad needs a well deserve break from work. He never does get a break and while the lazy bum that I am, sits on his lazy ass all day and fiddles around with either his ps2 or the PC. Christ, when will I be a productive member of society? It's either I don't do anything, or I just screw everything up.

Dave and Jeelai seem to be getting along reaaaaly well. They've seem close both physically and emotionally now. Good luck to teh veil and may he have more blessings to come to this christmas season. I just wish sometimes I could hold someone like that also. Anyways, worse comes to worse, I got my hands right here to keep me company for awhile (for playing games you perv! WTF were you thinking?). Strangely, whenever anyone greets me a happy trip for tom, I get surprised and realize that, oh shit, I am leaving tomorrow. I'm just not that thirlled to leave yet. I hope I have fun though. So I gues I'll be writting another post when I get back which is on the 30th. Merry Christmas to you guys!

I just love my Christmas

I want to hold you, but I'm afraid you'll not hold me back
I want to feel you, but I'm afraid you'll not feel me
I want to say "I love you", but I'm afraid you'll say "Sorry"
I cry a tear for you, but you'll just shrug it away....

I thought of this poem while I was in the gym (unsual place for insipration eh?). The story behind this poem is that, I just feel so lonely for some reason. I don't know if it's because of christmas, but I just want someone to hold on to right now. Haven't been thinking of having a relationship with anyone for a long time now. Haven't met anyone new I guess. I just wish that my life would just be perefect, even for a day. Everything that I want, would just magically come true. Sadly, life isn't like a fairytale. You'll never get 3 fucking wishes to please you. No princess who just runs away when the clock strikes 12 and leaves her glass slipper. All I get is bitterness, rejection and realization of the stupid decisions I have made. I just wish, for my christmas present, life would be perfect for a day or hell, even for a half a day....

And the drinking continues...

I swear I thought tonite I wont be seing the boys since they will be going to alabang. But with a little thinking and a whole lot of realization, alabang won't be the best place to travel to during the christmas season. Fight the traffic in manila?? You must be nuts, so they changed venue to home base (chillis) and regrouped there. I met up with Jomark, since he was the first to arrive, at around 9-ish. I came from our company xmas party. I was required to go since it's the 20th year of our company. I didn't mine really going, I'm just amazed that my family had the company for 20 years already. And I'm assuming that they are going to pass the "burden" to me when I'm ready. But seriously, I don't think I can't accept the tourch that they will be passing to me. I feel that I'll screw everything up, like most of the time I do with my life. It's the biggest responsibility that they will be giving me and for one thing I know I ain't responsible. I guess it's the fear of responsibilty and the lack of my own skill to why I am reacting like this. Anyways, thats still quite far away, but it still makes me think....

Tomorrow will be another bum day. Nobody will be home, even the maids, because mom is bringing them to the farm for the christmas party. So I'll be holding the fort tomorrow (mainly, i have to let my dog use the bathroom). I asked Sheilla if she could get my grades for me tom and I'm glad she agreed. 4 more days to christmas and a day more before I leave for Thailand (yes, again...). I really don't feel the christmas spirit this year. It's like every year, the christmas spirit just outgrows me. I don't know if it's because of school and all the crap load of work I've been doing or I'm just to numb to feel it. And for some reason now, I'm starting to feel lonely. I think part of my loneliness is the fact that I don't have anyone to hold. I developed this craving for touch. I just want someone to hold and someone to hold me back. I guess it's the beer talking or I'm starting to be insane, but I really really want someone to hold on to now. Someone to talk to and to listen to me. But I guess, life's ain't perfect. As usual, I just have to suck it up and accept it. But it sucks ass though....

Oh yeah, a Poem I tried to thought of while in the gym (unusual place for inspiration eh?). It reflects on my loneliness and my craving for touch, so here goes...

I want to hold you, but I'm afraid that you'll not hold me back
I want to feel you, but I'm afraid you won't feel me
I'll say "I love you", but I'm afraid you will say "Sorry"
Things in life I want to do for you, I know you will reject
I cry a tear for you, but all you do is shrug it away....

Unofficial Start of my break

Since I'll be taking a test this afternoon, I'm not yet officially in my break yet, but as predicted, I kicked it off by playing DOD until 12:30am today. For Some reason, I felt compelled to write tonite (or this morning). It's because that me and Jed talked about women in the chat room. I told him that there should be a certain mix in them. She has to be smart and funny at the same time. And strangely enough, the girl I was describing to him was in the reflection of Audrey. I also thought about her today in the car while going home. I really do believe I've settled this issue with myself a long time ago. It's just nice to look back and remeber the people who I considered were really important to me in my life. And she's somewhere on top of my list of people to remeber......

Finally it's all over

Yes I survived my finals. Stat was a pain in the ass, so was accounting. Not to mention business law. But today I can finally relax, although I have one more test to go. Philippine Litereature in ENGLISH (ironic ey?), but it won't be as much as a problem as those 3 mentioned earlier. So what am I going to do right now? I guess burn my time in some serious gaming. To top it off, I'll first fire up the ps2 and get some Vice City goodness. Then we might be playing some mechwarrior or some DOD which ever is fine with me. Then i don't know, if there is still time (and brain cells active) I'll go for some vice city again! It's finally christmas!! All I want to do now is to be a bum, drink some beer and have a great time!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!

Hell starts NOW

So finals week has finally arrived. Tried studying at Starbucks near my place and it kinda is better than studying here at my room with all the distractions around (computer,ps2,tv,BED!). So why not try it in Starbucks? It helped alot, was able to put all the forumulas I need for accounting with ease and was able to get those law facts inside my head. But the real subject I'm worried about is statistics which is going to be on tuesday. Hope I do well on that stupid subject.

Nothing interesting has been really happening for the past few days. Although last firday, Queenie apologized to me about that whole mix up when I gave her the news. She said she was disappointed at first, but now she's ok. WTF? She's disappointed? And what do you think I felt when you just showed me your back while I was talking? Women... Never could understand em...

Pre-mature Friday the 13th

I just hate it when everything starts to disappoint me. Had a God-awful day today. Forgot my codes for my final quiz on programming class today. Was just too fucking ignorant to go over the codes one more time. Also, my stat quiz was just crap today. I hate it when everything goes wrong, I hate it when you are helpless to do anything about it. This day was just sucked too much, it doesn't even deserve to be blogged. But what the hell? I got nothing more interesting to talk about. Thursday just fucked me up big time...

Despite how horrible my day went, I just need to put this down also. I finally confronted Queenie about me being her thesismate. I just had too much issues with her and I don't think we will survive if I ride the same boat with her. So I just told her straight two days ago, "I don't want to be your thesismate". Pretty solid huh? But I thought that it would be better to let it out now rather than tell it to her the last minute. I also wanted to talk about on some of the issues I had with her, but she decided to go inside the classroom instead of lisetning to my rants. Thank you so god damned much for hearing me out...

The Sunday Driver

No I don't drive that slow if you are trying to imply that I am from todays title. But literally I became todays driver. James bring me there, bring me here. Good thing the places they were going here were just near here. I don't mind driving though, but if your mom is a big worry wart and your dad the dictator, let's see you survive a day inside a car with them.

Another weekend has gone by. Seemed long in the first place and now all good things must come on to an end. Time to face reality again and get my ass kicked in school. My finals are fast approaching and I might be busy for this weekend, or will I? Lol I dunno, I guess I'll have to pass on any gimmicks that the guys will ask me to go to. Almost every weekend I've been going out. I'll let my mom sleep easier this weekend and not have to bother with me because I'll just be staying at home.

Oh yeah one last thing. Some good news, well kinda. There's a possibility that we will not be going to Thiland this christmas because the flights are over booked. Hehe I know it's selfish to wish that we don't go, but what the hell?

Bum mode (on!)

Today went by quick. I woke up at 11 am, had some lunch, got in the shower, setted the ps2 up and watched pulp fiction. After watching, I had to rest my head a little bit so I chatted with Jed on our usual virtual hang out. Exchanged our thoughts on the movie and our favorite parts, then I fired up the ol' ps2 and played some Mortal Kombat action. Played till dinner time, ate and continued until around 8:30. IMO this is a well spent day. For some reason, didn't feel like going out and again I wanted to be alone. Craved for my personal space back and now I got it. Haven't figured out what to do for tomorrow, but most probably I'll try to hit the gym and watch some Reservoir Dogs. Tarantino fims wich were recommended by Jed and so far I loved pulp fiction. Wondered why I didn't see it before when it came out. He said that Reservoir Dogs was better and I'll find out if it is really tomorrow. That's basically my day, short and sweet, but nevertheless, Productive. I hope the upcoming week will also glide back easily to the weekend so I can bum like this again.

Drinking ALONE (omg)

Funny that I mentioned earlier that I wanted to get out of the house. Well, did get out of the house, met up with dave and nico. We had a good dinner and dave and nico were talking about drea. IMO nico's being to anxious, I think he wants to step up the relationship a little bit farther. It's going no where and he wants to do something about it. the helplessness is what most people hate. I know I do...

Then after an hour or so, we met up with doy and my soon to be cousin in-law (hehe), karen. They were going to watch a movie, but we first accompanied them to eat some dinner. After doing so, nico and dave went home and I stayed awhile and smoked. Then decided to get a bottle of beer (inspired from Jed's private parties!), sat down and think on whats ahead of me. Well, I soon dropped that and thought this was useless, but the beer tasted great as always. Got in my car and headed home. Seems a bit boring ey? But for some reason, I found this night interesting. I just don't know why I love being alone. Nothing to think about, nothing to worry about. It's just you and the world. I guess I'm so used to being alone I'm actually enjoying it? God I sound such a loner, but wtf?

Early Weekend!

Omg it's thursday and it's the start of our looooong weekend! The prez declared tomorrow as a holiday because of Ramadan. So I guess tomorrow will be one of the safest days in the Philippines hehe! Anyways, today went along pretty well. I kept on thinking that I still had to go to class tomrrow, then suddenly it just hits me this afternoon that tomrrow is a holiday. Quickly called up dave to ask him on what are his plans for tonite. Nothing definite yet, but I think I just want to hang out with him in some cafe or somehting.

About the future... I'm trying not to think about it too much, because I have lots to worry about in the present. But my plans have changed and I think I'll go work first for a couple of years then go back to getting my masteral degree. I consulted my programming prof and he suggested that I should get some work experience first, then study. Oh well, like always, nothing is definite. Just plan plan plan away and hope everything falls into place.

Well I dunno how to start my early weekend, but I'm craving to leave the house and just hang with my friends. Is it the stress? I don't think so. Just some weird drive that just switched on and I must humor it. That's that, more to come tomorrow I hope....

No "bumps" today

For some odd reason, my day went fine. Nothing to worry about, nothing to rush. It's just a plain ordinary day and I'm glad nothing went wrong. Anyways, I'm still kinda thinking a bout what will become of me after I grad. Been asking my friends to what they will do after they grad. Some said study and some said work. I think I made up my mind to study some more on programming. IMO, the shit they are feeding us at school is inadequate enough to get me a decent job in the IT field. Well enough about the future, let's talk about the present shall we? I think I mentioned this before but, finals will be hitting me in a couple of weeks or so. Kinda anxious on how to tackle all my subjects in one week. I've got really nothing instersting to write about now, like I said, today went so smooth that it made my day look flat. Oh and this just in, I just checked my status bar where I write my posts and it says that publishing is not available. I dunno when they plan to fix it, but I hope it's going to be soon.

Being Indipendent Alone

I'm here blogging at school right now. Trying to burn some time until 6pm. decided not to hang out with Sheilla and Pong this afternoon, because for some strange reason I wanted to be alone. I just felt the hunger for time alone. I guess for me to think, because I've been thinking about my future. Yeah it's starting to sound like a stupid essay that my prof would ask me to write, but seriously, I've been thinking a lot now on what to do with my life. I'm still figuring out wether I should still continue to study or just go on ahead and work after I graduate. Ok, lemme weigh them both out. I guess my degree that I'll be getting from this, sometimes, fucked up school, will get me somewhere. But will it take me far? And I'm planning to get a job abroad, something local would be also nice, but something compells me to go abroad and just try to be indipendent for once in my life (yet another issue that I will disucuss later).

Now the issue on studying some more. So wait I've been school almost all my life and I'm not sure I still have the energy to go on and learn. But I guess, for a masteral degree, it would take at the most 2 years more? I'm not sure about that, but I doubt it will be another 4 years. Hell, I'm not trying to become a doctor. But for sure, I will be getting my education in another country and not here. This will ensure me of laying a job in abroad if i choose to. So I guess, my best bet now will be studying some more. I heard this once from somebody, you never stop learning. I guess he is right, you never do stop learning until you stop living.

With all these things in my mind right now, the only thing I'm worried about is my grades. If I really do want to get to abroad, I must set higher goals for myself. But I don't see that happening any soon. All this thinking is just making me anxious uselessly, but is it really?

And now, why you ask the sudden urge to leave my home and try to start a new life for myself? I dunno, I guess part of it is because I've been through alot of shit, well not enough to drive me insanse, but enough to just want to wipe my record clean. For some reason, leaving the Philippines and moving into another country is leading me to believe that I can start a new life. Part of me also wants to break free from the security of my parents. Sure, I appriciate what they've done for me. I love the fact that they've literally given me everything, but I can't live like that forever. I must make something out of myself. I want to stop depending on someone. And for me, this will be the hardest lesson to learn. I have no clue where to start and I bet my first few months in another country won't make it any easier. But this is something I must learn, something I must know.

And for the last issue, where do I move? Well, I've been thinking about San Francisco, since my uncle just moved there a year ago and according to my mom, life is good there. But mom wants me to go to either Australia or New Zeland. She said that there is not much people there, so job openings will be everywhere. Hold on, did she say not much people? Well having a job is good, but living in a boring town isn't. If you would ask me, I think I'll be chosing some state in the U.S. but options are still open. I think I'll have to consult Stephanie for this since she was talking about on which states in the U.S. are good to live in.

Wow pretty long blog, I think it's the longest I've written. Too much damn issues on my mind, I just don't know what to do yet, but I hope the answers will come soon. And I hope I'll make the right decisions when the time comes.

Over "Worked"

The weekend has gone by and I again lost track of my days. Tomorrow will be a start of another week, it's such a pity that Stephanie had to fly back to London. When she was here for a week, we were going out and drinking almost every night (gasp thats right my mom let me go out on a school night!). Sadly, things have to be back to normal again, drinking will be restricted to the weekends only (felt my liver burn though this morning, so I guess this is good). My title of tourist guide has been taken off and it's back to being me now, although I already miss being myself. Bumming around, having random thoughts, the works... Oh yeah it was Daves birthday yesterday and oh boy he was so drunk it wasn't funny. Doy struck again and victimized him the 2nd time. I can't believe he couldn't tell where this was headed, as if he really wanted to get drunk. Maybe?? Who knows?? Ok this post is getting no where, my brain has been working all afternoon, trying to finish our stat project. Had to catch up on some work since it was my only contribution to the group. I was kinda embarassed that they did most of the work, but I really had a good excuse, I had to show my cousin around!! KUDOS to you steph!!

I'll try to write more sensible stuff tomorrow, tonite I have to rechare. Try to get my energy level back to normal. Finals will be hitting me soon and I hope I don't get slapped on the face like last term.