Where did November Go?

November buzzed so fast by me and now it’s December. I really don’t feel the Christmas spirit this year again, and every year, I feel less and less of it for some reason. It might be that I’m getting older and older that I get to realize how harsh the real world is.

Although, not all is lost, of course I’m thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like my hun, my health, my family & friends and everything that I have right now. *sigh* Well I just hope that I shake this gloomy feeling off and just enjoy the holidays.

Oh and btw, I’ll be leaving for China on September 2006 not February anymore, since my cousin has to do some stuff and we will leave together on Sept. Hehe I'm not sure if Marian is glad that I'm not leaving yet, but she said, she rather let me leave now to get it over with, and I agree with her. But oh well, I don't mind leaving till September though so we're not so rushed.

And on a final and lighter note, I place up a Game / Tech and Whatever blog over a http://inque54.multiply.com. Been wanting to put up a site on those topics, but I was too lazy to do the coding myself. Glad there was Multiply to help out on the layout and design, while I provide the content myself.

A Date With my Love

Tonight was a really special night for some reason. It’s been a long time since me and hun just went on a date. I mean a real date where we saw a movie then had a nice dinner. I think what helped me feel this way was our dinner in café ysabel. Because her friend Giannina threw a grad party at their restaurant, and the funny thing was, we sat in a small cozy table and we were the only two. I don’t know it really just felt nice being with hun on that table and talking about stuff. And another good thing was, nobody was rushing her home or anything so it was just a really relaxing night.

And of course, China popped into my mind again, and I thought that I’ll be missing this when I’m there. But what made me look to the future is that, hun will be going to Australlia for her masters. And by that time I’ll be back from China, now knowing how to speak mandarin and all. And I guess they’ll be looking for people who can speak mandarin, since everybody would want to do business with China. It kinda felt strange, but nice that we were planning our future last Friday. What we’ll eat for dinner, we should both live in the same building (with separate rooms hehe!). Oh well, I just really hope our future will go as planned, if not, I hope it will still be bright…

Been doing some thinking

Well I’ve been having these overwhelming feelings that I really want to see Marian again really soon. We’ve been already together for 9 months, are we still in our “honey-moon” stage that other couples talk about? I just miss a lot of things about her. The sound of her voice, her scent that makes my knees go weak, her smile that brightens up my day and the warmth of her hug. Anything and everything about her I miss it already. I really hope that it will be like this long in the future (hopefully it’s going to take that long or maybe forever (). I must admit, she’s now really part in my life now. Sometimes when I wake up, I still get surprised that I actually have a girlfriend and it’s her! Whenever I see the pretty girls walking around, I go back to remembering my hun and I feel pretty damn good about myself, instead of feeling down because it reminded me of how lonely I was. But now, I’m not lonely anymore. I have my love and it’s Marian….

Then I thought about China, for 6 months I’ll be there, and a week not being with her is already getting me jumpy. Will I make it? Honestly, I’m also scared. Scared that I’ll be drawn to temptation when I’m out there. It’s so easy to hook up with anyone there and hun wouldn’t even know about. But, I don’t want to break that trust. I really want us to be forever. We’ve been through a lot, and I won’t throw it away like that. I hope I’ll have the strength to fight anything that gets in between us. I hope she can lend me her's also.

Whats up so far

So right now, I’m jobless and currently doing some “soul searching” on really what to do with my life. I’ll be also leaving for China for about 6 months on February, but more on that later.

When People ask me, what do you want to do in life? My mind just goes BLANK. I don’t know why, but I’m currently clueless on what to do. But to be honest, I really want to have a job related to video games. Yeah yeah, it may sound immature, but it’s really my passion and right now, games are also one of the most money making businesses out there and I want a piece of it. I hope I can find a way to get to it.

Now on China, like I mentioned earlier, I’ll be staying there for 6 months to learn some Chinese. Hopefully, I’ll be able to absorb as much and use the language for business and to make my future (and hopefully it’s also with Marian () brighter.

I really just hope, I’ll get to see where all this takes me. To be honest, I’m already kinda scared for the future. So much uncertainties, so much responsibility. But I must be prepared to take all of this and try to make it work for my life.

Blogging before flying back home

I officially love the Changi International Airport! Free internet kiosks all over, free xbox usage. OMG OMG so I'm just passing the time away before I board the plane going home. Can't wait to go home already! Can't believe that one week not seeing hun is very difficult. I can't imagine a year without her. Oh and of course I miss playing Battlefield 2! Need to make up for lost time when I get back hehe.

Oh well, getting back to my trip, it was a real fun trip going to 'Nam and Singapore. In an instant you would notice the difference between the two countries. My folks are actually pushing me to find work here at singapore, but I guess life here isn't half as bad like back home. Although, I wish me and hun will be living here together (hahah if thats possible!). Like I said a week without her is driving me nuts and making it years will really make me go insane. Whats the worth of having a good life in some other country if you don't have anybody to share it with? Oh well these are all plans, like before, I just hope I'll be picking the right direction when the time comes.

I just turned 23 and I think I'm losing my mind!

I just turned a year older and lots of things became a realization. First of all, my job. I really am losing my drive to still continue and work for the company I presently employed in, because I just take too much crap that I feel I don't deserve to take. Whenever I wake up, theres just too much problems that stack up, I just want to scream and drop it all. I don't know I'm really on the verge of quitting, but on the other hand, I don't have anywhere to work when I quit. It's really a complicated matter! I've been talking to hun about it and she says that everyone has been giving me mixed answers, but if I'm unhappy on where I am right now, that must mean something. Sighhhh I really don't know what to do.

Then speaking of hun, well, we've really been getting super close and all. I'm super happy that our realtionship is going well as despite with everything going on around us. At the same time, I also really scared of our future, I really hope it's going to be like this after a few years or so. If it does, maybe, she might be the one who I can spend the rest of my life with. Hehe just typing up these words giving me goose bumps, yet it kinda gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

To sum everything up, I just hope that whatever the future will bring, I'll be ready for it. Feet are steadly planted on the ground and ready to face anything that's going to be thrown at me (well except for the job thing hehe)...

Super long weekend!!

It's the holy week and I'm having a 4 day weekend. Today was really special in particular. I baked with hun and her friend Rica. Hehe glad that the cookies were made tasted good, a little bit in the sweet side, but nevertheless good 8) After that we brought Rica home and Hun had to buy something at shangri-la, she had to buy her Chi-latte tea, she's addicted to that stuff! After that we spent the whole afternoon together, saw a movie and had dinner with Jomark and Claire.

Then came to our talk tonite before hun went home. It's the usual "when will her parents accept me". Honestly, I'm really scared, frustrated and a little bit mad. Sometimes I just want to scream in my frustration. Why can't we just be happy together, we never did anything wrong. All I did was love her with all my heart and to be completly sincere. Now that I found someone like her, she has to be taken away from me. I sometime pray to God every night that, that doesn't happen. And sometimes I ask him why? Why can't I be with her? Why do her parents see me that way? Why can't I just be happy for once? Now that I love her even more, it's just harder for me to let go of her. Now that my bond with hun is really becoming stronger now, it's just more painful if her parents will tear us apart . A thought that I hope will never come true...

Before going to the beach...

SO here I am 5:24am at the office, waiting for my other officemates to arrive because we are meeting up here before we go to batangas. Hehe kinda weird coming here at this time, and all seems different at 5 in the morning. Really excited to leave!! I hope this trip will also be great!

I'm also glad I was able to talk to hun last night. She really was in bad shape and I'm glad she unloaded all her anger and frustrations at me. I'd rather take it, than anybody else, since she couldn't be who she can be around other people, and I'm glad she could be herself when she's with me. I really miss her and I'm so looking forward for next weekend since we promised each other that we will spend the weekend together!! Hooray!! 8)

So that's that, I'm barely awake, yet I'm already also excited to leave!!

Work 8(

I'm still here at EGG, patiently waiting for hun to come. Actually deep inside I wanna scream, because I'm so excited to see her, but the better half of me says that I shouldn't and I should keep my composure. Desperately trying though!

Oh well, back to my title. My boss recently gave me an evaluation, that means that I'll be regularlize next month (YIPEE!!), but the downside was, when I asked about my salary getting any higher, they said that it will depend on if I can get my branch to make money and if I get to handle more branches. Sigh, as if the sleepless nights waiting here at EGG when we were constructing it or when there's going to be an event. Kinda unmotivating to work now, now that I kinda expected that my salary is going to be higher when I become regularlized. Actually, I'm kinda borderline thinking if I should still continue this job or look for another? Oh well, whatever I'm trying no to think too much of it. I guess I'll have to talk to the HR dept. about this issue. If they still say the same, I guess and most probably I'll be looking for another job, or work at our company. At least even though I don't get paid enough, I'll be helping out the family. But on the other hand, this is my first job, I shouldn't be complaining about my salary yet. Let's just see.......

Yup! It's really been awhile

Well well! I really havent been writting anything alot here lately. Guess I was too tired (lazy) to sit, collect my thoughts and pour it out on the web. But now, I'm doing it again for some reason. Must have been inspired when I read hun's blog. She recently started one and I was really honored that she let me read her blog and the back of her notebook last night (stuff that she was going to put in the blog also). Didn't know that she was hurting inside that much. I was pretty disturbed when she mentioned in her notes that she's going to let me go (although it almost came to that also).

I just find it really unfair that her parents are pressuring her to break up with me just because she's too young to "fall in love". I never once let her compromise her studies, so that we could go out (note: we barely see each other at least once a week, if it's more than that, that's a really big bonus!). Then comes my family background. For God's sake, I'm practically connected to them either way I look at it. My dad knows his dad, my Aunt and uncles knows the parent's. Even their friends parents know my parents. I mean what gives? I know I'm not the most perfect guy out there in the world. Yes I smoke, I drink, I curse, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I manage with life.

But I'm glad with all these happening around us, we still are together, and I think our bond has even grown stronger ironically. But the one thing I was really afraid of is that when I read hun's notebook she had a phrase written "Is he going to take my heart or break it?" I'm really afraid that one day, I might break her fragile heart. Even though she says that she's not all that nice and stuff, she just doesn't know that she's really one of the nicest, kindest and gentlest souls that I've ever met. And I'm really lucky that I'm with her. She's also so down to earth and simple! Man, if you asked me to make a list on why I love her, the list would just go on and on, it will circle the planet until it gets covered up! Hehe but with the exaggeration aside, all I can say is, I'm really lucky that someone like her loves me back. This is the first time that someone does really love me back, and sometimes I myself couldn't believe it when I read her texts that she misses me and wants to see me. And when I read her email after I showed her the lyrics of her song, she said that she will always be with me till the end, you don't know how big of a smile I had on my face that time. I hope that we are not just saying it now that we want to be together forever (hehe that's a song diba?) just because we're together for about a few months now, but I hope after a couple of years or so, we can still say these words and I guess that's sign enough for me that we are really meant to be forever....

Spending Christmas with my hun 8)

Me and hun with Punta Fuego's night sky

Savoring the weekend

So the long weekend is almost coming to an end. Really glad that I was able to spend the weekend with my hun because she never fails to help me forget about work (since she always gives me a handfull when I'm with her hehe). Tomorrow will be a start of another stressful and busy week! Hoping that I wont come into any more snags with the schedule, but I doubt that will happen. Something is bound to come into delay and I have to be ready to adjust the schedule of my opening. It seems like there's still alot of things to worry about, and I'm just really anxious on when the branch will open. I hope we hit our scheduled targets one way or the other or I'll be royally screwed!

So with that being said,

Good luck to me....

Irony of the Relationship

Spent another wonderful weekend with my hun last night! We went to east wood, to see National Treasure. Meh, the movie was so-so, I expected it to be better, but it was good, but nothing great. Then after the movie, we went to the Music Museum to see "Cabaret" the musical. It was really good. I enjoyed the songs and the story of it. More of the in your face reality of life of the people in that line of business, plus the tension of pre World War II in Nazi Germany. I guess I kinda liked it because of it's WWII reference (hehe too much of a WWII buff). Then after we went to Mocha Blends to have something warm to drink. We were able to get coffee and 2 different slices of cake (guess hun was really craving for cake that night 8)) . And while sipping our coffee and take small slices of cake with our forks, we remenised on the past. On what we were both thinking before we got together. It was really interesting to know what she thought about me before I proposed to her that I really liked her. Hehe turns out to be I was really being a real asshole. I don't blame her for being mad at me that time. Was just too selfish I guess and I was really being unfair to her for rushing things without telling her my true intent. But now that's all in the past now, we both learned from it and I guess our bond will even be stronger because of it. Hun kept on telling me that we have this unexplainable connection and that we are connected with an invicible string that is tied around our pinky. Well I also can't explain why I couldn't let her go when I was on the verge of giving up on her. It's just funny somehow that this was the end result of everything. I'm soooooooo glad that I didn't turn away from her, because that would be now one of the biggest mistakes that I could ever do.

But alas, God somehow tries to be funny by putting one big issue between the two of us. Apprently, hun has the same last name as I do. We are both Chua, what does that mean if you're chinese? Well back then, they forbade boys and girls with the same last name (before marraige) to pair up. I'm just worried now that, since her dad is the type that is still kinda the "old-fashion" chinese (according to my dad) will make this an issue for us not to be together. To be safe, I told hun to know what village in China did her dad side came from. It's ok as long as we don't belong in the same village. But if we are, I really do hope this doesn't become a reason on why we can't be together. I can still accept if she didn't want to be with me. But the thing is, something this small, this improbable has to happen to us. I won't accept this as a reason on why me and the person I love can't be together. This would be the most unfair thing that God would be doing to me. I don't know if it's really my fate to be single all my life. For once, I really just want to be truly happy and share this happiness with someone else. I just can't stand the fact of not being with her because of one little hurdle like this. Oh well, for now, I'm just hoping for the best. No not just the best, but for us to be really together and for me to feel whole for once in my life......

My visit in one of the beaches of Punta Fuego. YAAAAAAAAAR PIRATES CAVE!!!

Update update!!!

Wellllllllllllll a lot has been happening for the past few months! Mostly what's been eating up my time is work. Since EGG will be almost operational in a few weeks time. I've been going crazy on following up on alot of stuff. It seems that my "to-do" list never ends. But it's a good thing, last weekend I was able to spend the weekend out of town with my hun. Yes you read it right! I finally have a girlfriend (well sort of kinda complicated to explain). Because I realized that she's the sweetest soul on earth and shes the type whos will be there always no matter what! I realized all of this when we opened up. I was able to confirm my issues with her, and she was able to do the same with me. I guess it made everything clearer after that so I was sure this time. And now I'm super sure that I really made the right choice 8). It's just sad that all this hasn't been sinking in too much because I've really been busy with work! I guess when I have everything done with work I can focus more on my hun! But as of now, I'm really anxious on the grand opening even of EGG. I don't even have a defenite date on that yet, but we'll see!!!! I hope everything goes well!!!

Oh and just in case you're wondering who my special girl is, her name is Marian Teressa Cruz 8) Remeber her? The girl who I met in the gym? Well, she's the lucky girl who I love 8)

I'm no longer a BUM!

Yes you read it right, I finally landed my first job. You're asking where? Well I think the job is really suitable for me. I'm going to work for Netopia, the computer rental shop franchise which has a number of branches all over the Philippines. But Netopia, will be opening a new kind of computer rental shop, it's totally dedicated for gaming. All their hardware will be high end. Meaning computers with 3.0ghz, high end graphic cards, LCD monitors, THE WORKS! So I'm pretty excited for it, I just hope I'll do good with my training!

Besides that, today was particularly great! I was able to spend the whole afternoon with Sam! Did some errands with her, and we were suppose to see a movie, but didn't make the time that it was going to show. So we just decided to eat something, because both of us were really hungry! Then we walked around, she looked at shoes, shoes and more shoes, then some clothes and then some underwear. Yeah underwear, I couldn't believe it either. Hahah I had to remind her that she was with a guy. Then we went to the gym. Gave her some shoulder and tricep exercises (feeling trainer na daw! hehe). Then she did her boxing and cardio dance classes. Too bad we weren't able to have dinner together, because her friend was going to pick her up from the gym and they're going to have dinner together. But it's all good. Besides that, today was really a great day! I guess I'll be sleeping well tonite...

Going the right way?

Well as I predicted, last nigh we weren't to go out, but I was able to hang out with Sam for like an hour in Starbucks. She treated me to some vanilla flavored milk (her favorite) and to some banana bread (her favorite also). Asked her if she wanted to go see a movie this afternoon, but we might go tomorrow instead. Here's me hoping that we can go. She only has 4 more days to go till she leaves.

Out of boredom, checked out on what she has to say about her bf on friendster. Was surprised to see that she wrote a lot about him (well duh?). The more I read her testimonial to him, the more I feel those sharp pains again pricking around my chest area. WOOO how mellow-dramatic! But seriously, that's how it felt. It's really INSANE. I'm really admitting it already that this whole thing is nuts, and it's really driving me up the wall. It's both frustrating and sad really.

Tomorrow is going to be another day, another day for me how to figure out what the fuck am I doing? Tomorrow I'll be taking a personality test from the company which interviewed me last friday. I think they'll be able to know whats wrong with me...

Look what happened to me after a month


So a lot of things have been happening for the past month or so. To sum it all up, I met another girl who's driving me nuts (more on that later), I just came back from Hong Kong last Sunday, and this Wed-Thurs me and the boys had an overnight in Tagaytay and lastly, Friday, I had my interview in Netopia and performed in Karen's party. Phew! What a week!!

So back to that girl I mentioned, her name is Sam. I met her through my A-ma, because my A-ma and her A-ma are barkada, so they decided to play match up with their grand-children! At first I really treated Sam as a buddy only because she was really easy to get along with, and she already has a bf (but he's back there in the UK). But as we hung out more, strangely, the more I got into her. It's just crazy, last month I kept on talking about Marian, and now I'm crazy for another girl, whos going back to the UK next Thursday, has a bf and is not sure that she's coming back home when she graduates. Which ever way you look at it, it's just wrong. I know it and everybody knows it, but I just can't help it. Frustrating as hell and I can't do anything about it. Oh well tomorrow is her birthday, I don't know if tonite we're still going to hang out or not, I have a feeling it's going to be not. Might just go to starbucks hang out there and have a few smokes. Don't feel like staying home tonite. Jesus, why does it always sucks to be me...

I tend to be paranoid, so shoot me!


Forget my previous post, I guess I was just being paranoid. Gave it a lot of thought, and yeah I was paranoid. So with the advise of good ol' Hannalou, I think I'm going to let her know on how I really feel next month. I just hope that everything will go smoothly, and I hope I get some desirable results :(.

Anyways anyways, I've been talking too much about Marian, besides her, nothing really interesting happens I guess hehehe. Same old routine life. Oh but that reminds me, I really do have to watch the videos that Marian lent me. She keeps on asking me if I've seen them or not. I'm just not really in the mood for some romantic comedy, CSI is catching my attention at the moment. All the gore and crime solving tries to keep my brain useful I think? Speaking of my brain, I think it's trying to shut down already, feeling really sleepy now, I guess it's from my work out this afternoon. Oh well, I just hope that my post next month will be good news and not the typical angst, disappointing, depressed post that I tend to write...