This sucky feeling

It's pretty strange that I've been getting these feelings of loneliness, ironically, it all started after my trip to Japan last week. That's the thing when I travel with my folks is that majority I keep to myself and let my mind wonder, and because of it's senseless wondering, I end up feeling like this. But not the typical loneliness that I don't have friends and whatnot (I'm blessed to have such good friends around to be honest), but it's that loneliness that someone that who's more than a friend to me that can fill that void in my life.

Listen to me rant like a high school girl, it's getting borderline pathetic already for me just to entertain this fact, but I can't help it. Anytime that I'm idle or not doing anything, it hits me like a big wave and keeps nagging me that I'm alone and I can't do anything about it.

I've been introduced to some girls already, but unfortunately, my luck has been really crappy recently. And in some days, I think of Sam again, but I promised myself to quit it already and I'm trying really hard to do so.

I know this is just a phase, like any of my emotional qualms and isms, but here's hoping that I can overcome this crappy phase asap.

Got to get my head out of the curb and try to be more optimistic, just wish I can see some signs of that in the coming months.

Blogging from Kansas

I waiting right now for our flight to San Francisco and our last leg of our journey. Honestly I'm tired already from eating large portioned american food. Coincidentaly, with free wifi in our hotel rooms, I was able to chat alot with Pam and was able to sort out our "semi" obscure breakup.

I guess with the all the anger and pride out of the way I was able to open up and tell her why I really broke up with her. Thankfully, she also realized it back and agreed with me. Now that all this is sorted out, she asked me a "what now" (via email this time) question. I just replied and said that, I needed some time apart first since we both don't want to rush in back blindly. I didn't want to hurt her again and stuff and I really don't want to bring her to tears again.

I guess I need to meet new people again, I mean worse comes to worse if we both end up eing single again for a long time, the bridges are still up and maybe we can get back together again. I'm really glad though she's improving herself and realized the faults she had in the relationship. I hope this is a permanent change, since she tends to do a 180 on her decisions. But I'll root for her silently and hopefully she grows more as a person. Hopefully if we get back together, it will be more solid this time, but for now, I'll leave things to destiny for a change.

Vicious cycle

So my buddies of mine, tried to set me up with one of their female friends. Heh didn't really work out as they intended to.

I kinda was a bit off that night, didn't really have my game on and lack some confidence for some reason, and I guess I wasn't really able to hit it off with her and what really place me off was, when I asked for her number, she told me just to get it from my buddy. I didn't know if she was rushing to get home or whatever. Then I decided to shoot her a text this evening after work, heh no reply. So I guess that's that.

I really don't mind meeting new people, although getting shot down like this doesn't really help my self esteem either. Was hoping that this year would treat me better when it comes to women, although it is still the first quarter, I'm just hoping that compared to last year, this will be better.

With last year's piss poor performance, I think I tried to date a handful of girls but none of them worked, until after hooking up with Pam again, but obviously that didn't work out well either. It's just really hard to get your confidence back and try to get up on that horse again.

Although, from this very "emo-centric" post, comes a little bit of ray of hope, although I wouldn't dismiss it as a really good thing yet.

I've been keeping in touch with the office mate that I mentioned from my last post. We've been really texting each other a lot, and surprisingly, that night when I was being setup, she texted out of the blue. Quite surprisingly really, but I don't know. I really want to get to know her because we seem to have a good connection. But, there's that thing of her being our employee and I am the son of the owner.

Not meaning to discriminate or anything but, am I over complicating the whole matter? I've been thinking things through that in the event that we really get together and stuff and what if we broke up? There could be some problems right there and she might want to leave the company because of me and we lose a good person for the company.

I know it's weird to think like that, but I can't help it, especially in my position. It's really hard to just rush in and leave it to fate or whatever.

I hate where I am right now, and this whole situation isn't really helping

Let's end this chapter

Finally realizing how much a waste of a time it was for me to mull over Sam. I mean let's just check with reality for a moment: she's been with her bf for quite some time now (about 3 years?). The bf is really successful and runs their own family business (heh while I'm just the IT guy). As painful to admit it, they look very happy together (curse you facebook).

This realization struck me this morning when I was checking facebook to see that Sam changed her profile pic that included her bf.

Honestly, having to let go like this makes me feel more free with my emotions. I guess I was just freaking tired with having to hope onto nothing and just finally have to say "oh what the hell..." to the whole situation.

So yeah I guess this is one step for to progress of letting go on to this one ms. Samantha Hontiveros, and finally hang up my fishing pole and pen this one up as another "the one that got away"

Dear lord, please please don't make me have to go through one of this again in the near future.

Facebook @ Work

Not to mislead with the title, but I just added one of my co-workers (who I seem to be attracted to) on Facebook (was able to snatch her YM ID also in the process hehe).

But I don't know, I feel like I'm threading on thin ice here, since I'm really the son of the owner of the company and I think it's just taboo to try to date one of your employees? Right?

Good lord, I seem to always find myself in the stickiest situations when it comes to women. But I can't help myself when she's in the office, she has this unmistakenly charm, that I seem to be a big sucker for.

At first I thought she might find it weird that I would find her on Facebook, but thankfully after adding her, she sent me a message and seems that it wasn't awkward at all! We were able to chat for quite abit until I had to do some actual work.

The next progression to that is to asking her out, but I'm racking my brain on how to pull it off (not to say that I don't have experience on asking girls out), but the situation that just revolves around everything! Heh guess I'm just too afraid and embarassed on what will my folks think of me this time, especially my dad...

But she seems to be a sweet girl, albiet conservative maybe? And seems to be really smart, since her credentials speaks volumes about her achievements (cum laude, scholar in UP - LB, knows a bit of mandarin!) So yeah like Jomark mentioned to me this morning "hands off" she's helluva better than I am ( in terms of academics). Oh and also, I don't think she's Chinese (again with this nagging issue), but she awfully looks like one if you ask me!

I don't know, am I overthinking things? I mean this is just one of the first steps to a million of steps, and here I am, racking my brains out on the future. But I can't help it, if I want to at least give some effort to this, I guess I need to be jumping across canyons again. Take some risks, but can't seem to shake off on what my dad is really going to say about the whole bit, so I'm really really hessitating here.

Ohhhh boy...

I hate spies

Since spies usually kill by backstabbing you from behind... (and I really do hate them in-game btw)

What a way to shake up my day and coincidentally, me blogging about how and why I broke up with Pam. Strangely enough she's been getting the "real" reasons on why we broke up from a "reliable" source. Clearly she was very pissed about this and had to text me, I tried to let it be and just let it pass since, to be quite frank, I don't really gain anything from it (despite losing a good friend ;__; which I've prepared to accept)

Luckily, she tried to open up and asked for my side of the story, obvious thing to ask is what started this and what she heard. Apparently from the way she talked about her source, it was pretty obvious who tried to feed her something to cause this ruckus. I tried to explain my side of things and told her everything was a misinterpretation by her source. I also cautioned her that this asshole might have a "hidden agenda" so that's why he's causing all this nonsense. Apparently she slightly suspected it too, since the creep has been telling Pam some negative things in relation to me.

L fucking O L You think you know a person, but unfortunately you don't. TO think I gave Benzie rides to the airsoft site during our gamedays. Heh that's why I don't see him online anymore, that fucker better hide from me...

Sipping a cold smoothie alone

I always wanted to start blogging again but found myself either too tired or too lazy to do so when I got home. So now that I have about 30 mins to burn, I might as well.

So like the title says, yes I'm back to being single again. Long story short on what happend with me and Pam: I was finally able to clear things up with my folks for us to be together, unfortunately with that out of the way I guess I was able to see who the real her was and without anything holding me back or anything to doubt on.

Too bad it didn't work out, but at least I can safely get those "what if's" finally out of the way. Speaking of "what if's", well you know the drill, still can't shake the fact about Sam, now that I'm single again. And having her in my facebook doesn't help either. I was ranting the other day that I didn't need to see her photos with her boyfriend on my feed. Heh a really bitter pill for me to swallow, I'm sorry. I guess morally, I just have to be happy for her since she's been with the same guy for quite sometime now. I just wish they can just get married and shred whatever hope that I cling to and so I can fucking move on with my pathetic aspirations. Cruel, yet effective, but I'd take effective any day...

Test

Testing!

On the fence, once again

Upon waking up one morning, strangely enough, an overwhelming urge to go to friendster.com and check out Pam's pictures.

Why you ask me? I honestly do not know what was going on with me...

I just wanted to be with her again, wanted her back. All this strange emotions just came back to me. I guess that's what happens when you have to suppress your feelings for someone that you can't be with.

Although, my mind, thankfully its still there, plays the devil's advocate and is telling me I could be just feeling this way because I'm just lonely and don't have anyone to be with. Coincidentally, this post comes right after me ranting about I couldn't be with Sam.

Then I get flooded with good memories being with Pam and thought to myself that, why should I be looking else where she kinda is perfect for me? The only thing that stops me being with her is because she's not Chinese and it's really really unfair if that's the only reason.

Again, my damn brain kicks in and says that I might be able to meet somebody better (and who's Chinese). But do I want somebody better? Would there be potentially another "Pam" but who's Chinese? But from dating around with some girls this year, I just couldn't find that person who can fill her shoes at the moment. But then again, I could fall into that hole of regret again, similar to Sam and might never have that chance to be with her again ever (see below).

But am I thinking too much into it? Who could blame me though, last year I was again in this situation, but decided to not be with her because of my parents. And now, as if nothing happend and I'm once again reconsidering it, but the difference this time after I reconsider it, I should prepare myself to talk to my mom about it face to face and tell her that this is my decision and let me ride it out. Here's hoping that she'll reason to my somewhat logical reasoning. This time, everything has to be clear and concise, I wouldn't want to break her heart for the 3rd time.

It's so weird that I'm so damn attracted to her, maybe that's a sign for me to pick up on? Along with that big hurdle, namely my parents, I still want to try to be with her.

I honestly don't know, but I sure do hope I get my answers soon.

The one that got away (again)

As most things in life, I regret doing a lot of things. Regretting that bad buy, not listening to my parents / friends advise or just did something regrettably stupid.

So let me say that last part again: regrettably stupid....

For some strange reason Sam has been entering my mind back and forth again. I mean there are times really that I though I have gotten over her, but then again, I just get hit back pretty hard.

Strangely enough, I haven't been in contact with her for almost a year, tried sending her some texts, but she never gets to reply to them. Here's hoping that shes just too busy to reply. The last time I was with her was almost about a year ago when we had our 25th year celebration of one of products that we were distributing here in our company. Surprisingly, she agreed to come to our event that night and I still couldn't forget about it. Sitting together and just laughing and teasing each other like we usually do when we're together. I really wished for that moment not to end, yes yes cheesy I know, but seriously, that's what I was thinking the whole freaking night. Then reality sets in and her boyfriend had to pick her up since they had other plans also that night.

After walking her out the door, and going back in, I felt like a total ass for having that perfect moment with her. Once I found my seat, I sat back down and started pounding on the red wine to try to somehow wash away that bitter feeling inside me.

So after that, I was never able to talk to or see her again. I just wished sometimes that things could have been different. But that's really selfish of me also. So I guess if she's happy with the person she is with now, all the best to them. Heh, I even joked about if when they're getting married, and she gave me that awkward smile and laughed nervously and said "matagal pa noh". Somehow, I guess she knows how I feel about her and just tried to lay it to me easily. If they end up together, then I guess that's the grand scheme of things right?

I just wish when that time comes, I learn to accept it while lubricating it with some sort of alcoholic drink.

Gasp! Ranting about being single

I've been looking back, recollecting and thinking about how come I still haven't met that right girl yet. This year hasn't been really a good year for relationships for me. I tried asking a couple of girls out with much fail, and finally after thinking all is lost, she gave me hope but then took it away (see Zada in the last few posts).

I don't know why all these thoughts are coming into my mind lately. It must have been when I saw Marian the other day in this Citibank event that my mom lugged me into. Bitter bitter truth: she was still kinda cold to me (maybe a bit frosty even) and for some unexplainable reason, that left me really depressed and silly after.

Right now I'm involved with someone but just for the fun of it. Kinda felt bad at first since I'm not used to that kind of setup, but it kinda works itself out when I'm really feeling terribly lonely. I know this is temporary, and might have to end it before the year ends or whenever, still deciding on that part.

I guess pretending not to be lonely is making me even lonelier, seeing all my friends being in couples, kinda makes me crave for being in that serious relationship again, heh even though I know how much of a headache it is at times. Someone to bring home to the folks to and introduce them to. Having to know that I won't grow old and die a lonely man. Melloncholic, I know, but to be honest, this is all the feelings I'm having right now. From experience, I know this is a phase, so let me have my god damn moment for tonight...

What do I really want now?

Me and the guys (including their respective partners) took a day trip to Tagaytay to play some bowling in Highlands and had a classy dinner at Discovery's restaurant also up there in the mountains. It was a real good way to spend the weekend with my friends as compared to hanging out in some club is starting to become really repetitive.

Anyways, I also asked Pam to come and tag along (yes yes, let me explain). She was really feeling low for the past few days because of a mixture of work and this new guy she was seeing. To be honest, kinda feels weird every time she shares that part with me, but hey, just trying to be a good friend to her also. So to cheer her up and to at least try to get her to have some fun, though of asking her out to go with up with us to Tagaytay. She seemed to have fun so I guess it was "mission accomplished".

But, ugh... during the whole trip I wanted to be close to her and hold her hand and everything. Kinda missed what we had before and it kinda kicked in when I started to really laugh loud when we were making jokes and stuff. Even texted her those thoughts right after I dropped her home. Confusing confusing, I know, but she brought me down to reality and said that I didn't want it and theres no more going back to that. Painful, but defeintely true. Sometimes I try to think if it was the right decision to do? Was I being an idiot for letting her go because my folks didn't approve of her? I guess I'll never know, but I'm just wishing that I can find someone who I can be with in a relationship and also could be a really good friend. Someone to just laugh out loud with and not worrying on being me all the time.

So the weekend is over, heres hoping that the drama this week will be toned down a bit...

Dusting off this old blog of mine

I decided to go back to writing on this blog again after more than 2 years now. According to blogger, I haven't updated this blog since February of 2006, wow 2006 huh? Is it been that long? I see that the good people of Google owns blogger.com now and after a quick migration to my own gmail account, I'm back to writing on this spot again.

I think I'll leave my personal stuff on this blog and all my gaming and other funny stuff on my other blog, kinda don't want people I know, knowing too much about me. Heh, call me paranoid, but there's just some things I need to vent and unfamiliar eyes have no business peering into. So consider yourself lucky if I decide to show you this blog in the future.

Anyways, just a quick update of significant events that have happened to me in the past 2 years: (comments will follow below)

• Started working for the family Business
  
• Broke up with Marian
  
• Got into a relationship with Pam, but unfortunately had to break up with her after a few months due to "cultural" differences
• Started getting into Airsoft
• Tried dating someone for 4 months and then she told me that she wasn't feeling any sparks at all ;__;
  

Well yeah a real shocker with Marian, didn't see that coming either, but it couldn't be helped, because of her mom was somewhat partially insane and I practically gave her away to this guy who's fully approved by her mom. Goes to show how much you know a person after 2 years, although I'm not blaming her that she stuck with the guy. At least their relationship will be more peaceful than the last one.

Pam also was a real shocker, didn't expect that to happen also at all. TOO fucking bad the problem was on my side this time, growing up in a Chinese background proved to be a real problem if you want to be with someone who isn't in the same cultural circle as you are. Crazy pressure from the folks and I was really feeling it too. Although I must say, those months that we've been together was really nice, too bad it had to end too soon.

As being a long time gamer shooting all those pixilated guns and all, I decided to level up my experience (hur hur look what I did there?) by immersing myself in the world of Airsoft. Running around and dressing up as soldiers and shooting your buddies with plastic pellets is really fun and a good workout too. It's providing me with a good distraction on those date-less weekends and my pursuit to find another sucker mate to accept me for who I am with all my abnormalities and what not.

Oh and that girl who I dated, Zada (yes yes unique name but she's a nice girl), after 4 months of dating I ran into a brick wall and she told me that we're better of as friends and nothing else. Of course I thought otherwise since that same week I was going to open the flood-gates and tell her how I really felt, then she jumped the shark on me and there was nothing else I could do but just nod and walk away.

So that's my life so far, I think venting out like this is really healthy. I mean who better else to rant to than a blog (emo ftw)

Baguio Trip 2006

So it’s been like more than 10 years since I’ve been to Baguio. Why the sudden urge to go there? Well it’s more like that me and my dad had to attend a wedding of our family friend.

Initially, I didn’t really want to go, because of the 4+ hour drive and I wasn’t that close with the other kids of our other family friends who were also attending the wedding. But it turned out that the trip wasn’t that bad. The weather was really chilly (which I really like btw) and you can really get that fresh air flowing through your lungs. Also, I was able to bond somewhat with the kids, who were also my age. It turned out that me and Veejay had a lot of common friends and so it was an interesting chat during our last night at Baguio while sipping our drinks both alcoholic and herbal, but unfortunately, we were forced to go back up because of a sudden blast of cold at around 11:40pm.

Speaking of the reception… the only memorable part of the whole event was the beautiful display of fireworks to top of the evening. And it made me remember that time that me and Hun saw the fireworks during the opening of Promenade. Hehe although we fought that night, we kinda made up when they lit up the fireworks on that night. Having that on the back of my mind while watching the fantastic display on that chilly night, it made me leave a smile of my face and kinda made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Ok ok, a bit corny, yeah, but that’s how I felt that night and I really enjoyed myself during the weekend. Hehe it would be perfect though if Hun was there. I kept on imagining that someday we would go up there and snuggle up. Or just walk around the parks there then enjoy a good cup of coffee or tea together. Nothing wrong with having those thoughts hehe it’s just nice to think of it.

In the end, while driving down from Baguio, I looked back and told myself that the trip really wasn’t that bad. I really had a great time and had a relaxing weekend. I wish that I can be with Hun if I go out of town, I bet that would be great…

Hello 2006

Here’s 2006 and good bye to 2005. So far so good, the year has been starting all right (besides from getting drunk and stuff hehe). I hope this year will turn out better than 2005, although last year wasn’t that bad. I’m just excited to see what 2006 brings for me and for my hun 8)

Although of course, uncertainty is always scary, but I hope, I’ll make all the right decisions and chose the right directions (the usual things that I wish for hehe). And now I have my hun with me, I hope that we pull it through until the years to come.

And speaking of hun, I noticed that when we’re together, we tend to laugh harder and joke on a lot more things as compared to before. I’m glad that she’s finally at this stage that she’s lose enough to be her. Because I could sometimes sense that she becomes too polite and I don’t see the real her. But when she’s all cooky and laughing, I know that she’s relaxed and I’m seeing the real side of my hun. I just want her to be laid back and I’m really happy that she’s slipping in to that mode. So I can’t wait again to see her on the weekend! Too bad the weekends are short!

Where did November Go?

November buzzed so fast by me and now it’s December. I really don’t feel the Christmas spirit this year again, and every year, I feel less and less of it for some reason. It might be that I’m getting older and older that I get to realize how harsh the real world is.

Although, not all is lost, of course I’m thankful for a lot of things in my life. Like my hun, my health, my family & friends and everything that I have right now. *sigh* Well I just hope that I shake this gloomy feeling off and just enjoy the holidays.

Oh and btw, I’ll be leaving for China on September 2006 not February anymore, since my cousin has to do some stuff and we will leave together on Sept. Hehe I'm not sure if Marian is glad that I'm not leaving yet, but she said, she rather let me leave now to get it over with, and I agree with her. But oh well, I don't mind leaving till September though so we're not so rushed.

And on a final and lighter note, I place up a Game / Tech and Whatever blog over a http://inque54.multiply.com. Been wanting to put up a site on those topics, but I was too lazy to do the coding myself. Glad there was Multiply to help out on the layout and design, while I provide the content myself.

A Date With my Love

Tonight was a really special night for some reason. It’s been a long time since me and hun just went on a date. I mean a real date where we saw a movie then had a nice dinner. I think what helped me feel this way was our dinner in café ysabel. Because her friend Giannina threw a grad party at their restaurant, and the funny thing was, we sat in a small cozy table and we were the only two. I don’t know it really just felt nice being with hun on that table and talking about stuff. And another good thing was, nobody was rushing her home or anything so it was just a really relaxing night.

And of course, China popped into my mind again, and I thought that I’ll be missing this when I’m there. But what made me look to the future is that, hun will be going to Australlia for her masters. And by that time I’ll be back from China, now knowing how to speak mandarin and all. And I guess they’ll be looking for people who can speak mandarin, since everybody would want to do business with China. It kinda felt strange, but nice that we were planning our future last Friday. What we’ll eat for dinner, we should both live in the same building (with separate rooms hehe!). Oh well, I just really hope our future will go as planned, if not, I hope it will still be bright…

Been doing some thinking

Well I’ve been having these overwhelming feelings that I really want to see Marian again really soon. We’ve been already together for 9 months, are we still in our “honey-moon” stage that other couples talk about? I just miss a lot of things about her. The sound of her voice, her scent that makes my knees go weak, her smile that brightens up my day and the warmth of her hug. Anything and everything about her I miss it already. I really hope that it will be like this long in the future (hopefully it’s going to take that long or maybe forever (). I must admit, she’s now really part in my life now. Sometimes when I wake up, I still get surprised that I actually have a girlfriend and it’s her! Whenever I see the pretty girls walking around, I go back to remembering my hun and I feel pretty damn good about myself, instead of feeling down because it reminded me of how lonely I was. But now, I’m not lonely anymore. I have my love and it’s Marian….

Then I thought about China, for 6 months I’ll be there, and a week not being with her is already getting me jumpy. Will I make it? Honestly, I’m also scared. Scared that I’ll be drawn to temptation when I’m out there. It’s so easy to hook up with anyone there and hun wouldn’t even know about. But, I don’t want to break that trust. I really want us to be forever. We’ve been through a lot, and I won’t throw it away like that. I hope I’ll have the strength to fight anything that gets in between us. I hope she can lend me her's also.

Whats up so far

So right now, I’m jobless and currently doing some “soul searching” on really what to do with my life. I’ll be also leaving for China for about 6 months on February, but more on that later.

When People ask me, what do you want to do in life? My mind just goes BLANK. I don’t know why, but I’m currently clueless on what to do. But to be honest, I really want to have a job related to video games. Yeah yeah, it may sound immature, but it’s really my passion and right now, games are also one of the most money making businesses out there and I want a piece of it. I hope I can find a way to get to it.

Now on China, like I mentioned earlier, I’ll be staying there for 6 months to learn some Chinese. Hopefully, I’ll be able to absorb as much and use the language for business and to make my future (and hopefully it’s also with Marian () brighter.

I really just hope, I’ll get to see where all this takes me. To be honest, I’m already kinda scared for the future. So much uncertainties, so much responsibility. But I must be prepared to take all of this and try to make it work for my life.

Blogging before flying back home

I officially love the Changi International Airport! Free internet kiosks all over, free xbox usage. OMG OMG so I'm just passing the time away before I board the plane going home. Can't wait to go home already! Can't believe that one week not seeing hun is very difficult. I can't imagine a year without her. Oh and of course I miss playing Battlefield 2! Need to make up for lost time when I get back hehe.

Oh well, getting back to my trip, it was a real fun trip going to 'Nam and Singapore. In an instant you would notice the difference between the two countries. My folks are actually pushing me to find work here at singapore, but I guess life here isn't half as bad like back home. Although, I wish me and hun will be living here together (hahah if thats possible!). Like I said a week without her is driving me nuts and making it years will really make me go insane. Whats the worth of having a good life in some other country if you don't have anybody to share it with? Oh well these are all plans, like before, I just hope I'll be picking the right direction when the time comes.